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Coping With Deployment
by Marianke Phillips, posted June 2010
Marianke Phillips
Senior Contributor
marianke@armywifemagazine.com
www.householdzes.com
Operation Spouseformation
Archives: OpSpouseformation
Abigail, married to John, an active duty soldier for nine years, has endured five deployments with her husband. While her husband was deployed, she threw herself into her job, traveled, and took their fur baby, Jack, to dog training classes. Of all the deployments, the fourth one has been the hardest on both of them, due to the extent of hardship of John’s missions.
Abigail was very faithful in sending her husband care packages, of which the ones around holidays were themed packages. And the cookies were not forgotten. Every care package was filled with them.
The deployments taught her that she was comfortable with herself. The things in life that she used to think were “sad”, like going out to dinner by herself, or the movies, became a part of her coping strategy. She realized going to dinner with a good book was a very enjoyable thing to do.
Sheena and Dustin have two children, Caleb and Madelyn. They just finished their second deployment together. This last one has been hard on her. Right before Dustin left, she found out they were expecting their second child. They also learned that Caleb was diagnosed with Autism. Throughout the deployment she learned that military spouses are there for each other. As she was due to deliver their daughter Madelyn, even though not knowing her friend Marianke all that well at the time, Marianke was there to bring her to the hospital and was there all the way through delivering Madelyn. Having Marianke and her husband there for her really helped Sheena a lot with coping with the struggles that a deployment can bring.
This proves that the Military is one big family and there is always someone there to lend a helping hand.
Katy, a more tenured Army wife of 16 years, has been married to Keith for 21 years and endured four deployments. Her work as a part time children’s pastor and having two of her four children being special needs, definitely have kept her busy.
Katy’s Words: “I make sure my days are full of wonderful activities to keep my mind off of the time I've had without Keith. We are huge on communication knowing that each of us needs to know the other is still there for a shoulder to lean on or just to vent. We have found ways to communicate our love for each other through Facebook, Emails, Skype and regular snail mail-even through our church. Last deployment Keith surprised me with roses for each year we had been married. I was surprised with them at church for our anniversary. My 19 year old always has had a hard time dealing with deployment and always shut down when dad left. There was nothing really I could do but hold her and reassure her that dad would be back. With the boys they have a difficult time but seem to keep up communication much better.
Communication is a major key in getting through deployments for relationships and children. For my youngest who is Autistic, we buy Skittles and count 365 of them and each day he gets one and says a prayer for his dad along with a happy memory of him.” (I would like to mention that Katy has reached a very admirable goal by exercising and has lost 50 lbs so far into this deployment!)
Frederikke, married to National Guard soldier, Mitch, tells how she deals with a deployment while staying strong for her three children: “I had my kids help me make a scrap book page for their dad that we would mail out to him. That way, he was kept in the loop and even if he wasn't there, he still got to see some of the milestones in their lives. We did this on both deployments. Of course, the girls would make him cards and drawings, too. I would e-mail him daily-even if it was a short e-mail. With three kids, I don't really feel like I had much of a choice but to take the reins and be mom and dad while he was away.
I usually went a little creative with the care packages. After all, who doesn't like to get a box full of things you love? I think it's the little things that can cheer a person up. I wanted him to smile, or even better, laugh when he opened the box. There are many excellent websites and stores who can make personalized stuff as well. We did, among other things, custom make a mouse pad for the Valentine's Day package. Some of my husband's favorite things to get was Tony's Creole seasoning. It may seem silly, but that stuff can make even the most boring popcorn and/or food taste great. Certain types of candy, popcorn for the microwave, Band aids ( the ones for healing blisters), paperbacks, beef jerky, ramen noodles, instant coffee, flavored creamers and more were sent.”
Steffanie, mom to three and wife to Ryan, is currently going through a deployment. Her husband recently went back overseas after mid-tour leave, during which she delivered their last bundle of joy, a healthy baby boy. Together with her two eldest children, before Ryan left, she made a paper chain, using a different color for each month. This will help the children realize the length of the deployment and deal with it in a creative way. Every day they will take off a chain link. They can see it become shorter and shorter, which means another day closer to homecoming. They also each have a daddy doll, to snuggle with if they miss their daddy.
The U.S. Military and its family readiness programs strive to help our families deal with deployments better. Websites like www.myarmyonesource.com and www.militaryonesource.com contain information with deployment readiness, specially designed for the military family. The Family Readiness Group was developed to support and encourage the family throughout the separations and families are encouraged to attend the meetings.
The military child is also not forgotten. Together with Sesame Street, Military One Source created a program for the military child, with Elmo as a star, which talks about separation and when the parent deploys. For more information about the “Talk, Listen, Connect” program go to http://www.sesameworkshop.org/initiatives/emotion/tlc.
For parents that don’t want to have their child to miss out on story time, the USO together with the military has created “United Through Reading.” The parent tapes him or herself reading a book to their children. This video will be sent to the children for them to watch. For more information on “United Through Reading” go to www.unitedthroughreading.org.
In conclusion, I want to recommend to you to utilize the resources available, online and in your area. Connect with fellow military spouses. They go through what you are going through, and together you form a strong support system. Be creative. Creativity makes a dreadful deployment a little less hard to deal with. Make care packages fun, create a paper chain link with your children, make this deployment a piece of cake on both the home front and the frontline.
Marianke is a foreign born Army Wife from the Netherlands, married to Active Duty US Army Soldier, Jon. She loves to assist other Army Spouses by sharing beneficial information and resources with them. She served as a former FRG Leader and is a certified Army Family Team Building Instructor. She is also an aspiring photographer, next to her full time job at one of America's biggest retailers
working at its Photo Lab and Guest Relations. If you know of a resource that would be beneficial to other wives, please email Marianke at Marianke@ArmyWifeMagazine.com. You can also read Marianke's personal blog at www.HouseholdZes.com.
Considering that the U.S. Military has had its presence in the Middle East for the past seven to eight years, most Army spouses have endured at least one deployment. And every spouse deals with it differently. Some move home to be around family, some stay where they are stationed because they feel it is their home, and they have the support of fellow spouses. There are spouses that stay at home, while other spouses work to get through the time. Others try to pass time by keeping themselves busy doing activities, like starting hobbies. And those with children have to be strong for their little ones. They have to help their children survive the deployment. Some are old enough to understand, while others are at that age where they don’t understand why their parent is gone for so long.
So how do you deal with a deployment? I wanted to know from other spouses what their experience has been during the separation of their deployed spouse. To share this with all of us, so that we may get new ideas on how to deal with the next deployment and for those that are facing their first deployment.
Marianke with her husband before deployment
