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AWMag: How did you become familiar with gardening?
Brenda: This is a good question because I grew up in the city: cement sidewalks, cement trashpits, small yard, and few trees. However, since I was quite young, I had this connection to nature, the earth, and the living things around me. Heck, when I was young, I played with dandelions and made mud pies! Don't let that be known by too many people! When I moved to Colorado right after graduate school, I fell in love with the beauty of nature. Then when I married and we moved to North Carolina, the love of the land resurrected within me. However, it [familiarity with gardening] wasn't until my husband and I moved back to Indiana in 1986 to a rural subdivision and I started my first vegetable garden when the kids were little. It was such a fun project with little ones because when they unearth planted potatoes and you hear "Mom, look at this big egg!" You've got to love it! Plus, I have to give credit to an older sister of mine who I admirably observed all my life that lived from and off of the earth. She always had gardens, vegetable, herbal and flower gardens, where she lived in Ohio. She was so self-sufficient that I admired that independence and strength. There was no mad dash to the grocery store because she usually had everything there on her farm.
AWMag: Do you feel gardening is a stress reliever?
Brenda: Definitely. At first, when I got too wrapped up and worried into its maintenance, I thought how can I keep up with this plus take care of the kids, the house, and work full time? But what I quickly discovered was that gardening would slowly relieving the stress and worry from work that day. It also became a way to put things into perspective...how basic life can be yet rewarding in the same breath.
I know this may sound crazy, but it can be an empowering feeling that I could provide in such an organic and healthy way to my family and myself. I might add that the physical care that it takes to garden, does help relieve stressful thoughts. It forces you to tunnel your concentration on the task at hand and somehow those worries and thoughts of work or stress at home tend to get mulched back into the earth. I always thought that a good hour or two of gardening is the best stress releaser, as it takes physical and mental efforts. Before I start, I sometimes figuratively place my worries and stress by a bush or plant and then I figure by the time I’m finished and I wanted to pick up my worries then, I could. But you know, I never did. It is rather like a physical sport or exercise but gardening not only benefits you it also benefits others in the family.
AWMag: How can gardening be a way to help someone grieve?
Brenda: This is by far one of the best ways that I found to deal with the grief process of losing my son and my mother within 5 months of each other. I am surrounded by fields, tall grasses, ponds, and a back woods and I knew my son loved the outdoors. With my already love for being outside, I knew this would be such a loving memorial for my son and mom. At that time, however, we had few trees around the house so that was one of the first things we did. We planted many donated trees. The growth of a tree reflected the growth of the love of our loved ones. What I felt was that my love doesn't stop for that person because he or she wasn't physically there, it grows and changes with each year....well, so did the plantings of these trees.
The memory garden naturally followed almost immediately, because I wanted to see flowers blooming through different stages-like grief that takes us through many stages, so does gardening. There are the stages of spring, summer, fall and winter; likened to the shock, the denial, the bargaining with God, and final acceptance one endures with grieving. And these return each year. Yes, one deals with the stages of grief continuously. Ironically, after the first few years, I hated the winter stage; in my mind, it was like smothering my garden and my love for my son. But what I came to discover in time was that it was a resting stage...a comfort time to let them go for a while. I can pick up my work in remembering and growing new things for next spring. So gardening helped me physically realize the stages of what I was feeling inside and helped me work through my many changing moods. I can't tell you how many times, I hit that earth with anger but when I watched the new budding flowers, I soon felt the love I had and always will for my son and other family members who I have lost. Gardening is life, death and the cycle of things don't change just because we encounter a thorn or two.
AWMag: Where and how was the idea for Joby's Garden born?
Brenda: The garden idea came after we (my husband, my two other children and myself) made the decision to have Joby cremated. This was a big discussion for us. However, my mom, father, and an older brother had been cremated and I had already accepted this form of burial. Ironically, right after my mom passed away, Joby had mentioned that he, too, might like to be cremated when he died. Of course, a 16 year old couldn't possibly predict that his own death would follow in just a few months...but he was killed. I was fortunate then that I had had this conversation with him earlier - as weird as that may sound. So, we all decided that he would be cremated and that a garden, close to the house had to be created to place his box of ashes. We happened to have three Hawthorne trees close to the back deck, the only close trees to the house.
That is how the garden initiated...there in our living room with all of us hugging, crying and talking about what to do with Joby. As his brother, who was only in 8th grade at the time, said..."if you put Joby in the cemetery, how could Kate and I see him every day?" The comfort of having him close was obviously important, and the garden grew and grew! With a small pond and frog waterer (Joby loved frogs), an encased baseball from his baseball team, an encased football from NN team because I taught there (they were all donated), little angel statues, and stones; even his grave stone is from our farm. And there are numerous plants and flowers that I picked out with great thought and meaning.
AWMag: Who all has been involved in the creating and maintaining of Joby's Garden?
Brenda: As soon as we as a family decided that near the house around the three Hawthornes would be a good spot to start, close friends came over right away and helped us start outlining, weeding and preparing the garden for our private burial. Unfortunately, we don't have family members who live close so we had to rely on good friends for this. It started so basic. We are lucky to have our very good friends, Bill and Deb Brown (of Brown's Garden Shoppe.) Bill started to design it. I was mostly in a haze those first few days, but I remember watching mostly the men out there digging, weeding, raking and hurriedly putting in the small pond, preparing where we would lay Joby, placing the big rocks, etc. This really came in quite helpful not only to us but for our friends.
I know most of us don't know what to do or say during this time and this gave many of our friends purpose, especially the men. Where perhaps the women we talked about it, still recognizing the fact that our son was killed, the men needed something physical at this initial moment. It was a whirlwind, and so many people began immediately donating to the garden. But, it was a handful of very close friends who began its creation. From there, Dave and I and the kids took over and through the years, it is mostly me who maintains it. However, every spring I seem to come into poison ivy or poison oak or whatever gets me. So, Dave has had to help out more now because I get the itch bad! It has been a labor of love and really a community effort. I can't tell you how many people donated plants, memorabilia, bird feeders, bird houses, etc. for the garden. It seemed everyone loved the idea and the garden grew. It is now almost twice the size of its origination, and I have come to realize my limits in its care. So I can't have it any bigger...or so I say.
AWMag: How did you choose the plants and flowers for Joby's Garden?
Brenda: Again, I relied on my good friends the Brown's. Being knowledgeable in the plants and flowers, Debbie and Bill guided me in selecting flowers (perennials and annuals) that represented my affection for my son and were symbolic and meaningful. Also, considering where these flowers would be, affected where I planted them: which needed more sun; some couldn't withstand a lot of water and I had a low end that I had to consider. I also researched some flowers and their meanings. But, some plants were easy to choose. I knew Joby as a young boy always liked yellow daffodils and I started with that.
My mom loved Irises, so I put those behind Joby's stone as if to cradle and protect. A bleeding heart had to be placed a bit further from his stone than I wanted but for the plant's growth, I had to put it in a more shaded place. Through the years, I have discovered which plants and flowers work best in certain areas so I have to be ever vigilant in remembering where they are and where to replace them. Of course, many flowers were given to us as gifts after our son passed away so they had special places in the garden, including donated angels, statues, bird feeders, etc. The one thing I have a strong affection for is when I took his hiking boots, planted some hens/chickens in them and have a "love" stone on top of one boot. I love seeing those out there in the garden. Joby was an "outdoorsy" kid who loved to camp out, fish and hike, so I knew the boots had to go out there.
AWMag: What plant and flower suggestions can you give for a garden?
Brenda: First, have a design in mind before planting. Be realistic as to its size because it will need to be maintained. Don't be afraid to try new things. Be creative. Go for the color and uniqueness, but always remember where the plants and flowers will grow best. And, above all, keep a layout design so you know where you planted what when the next spring rolls around. You would be surprised that through the years and seasons, plants and flowers change and shift. You forget where you planted and when weeding time comes around, you won't be missing half your plants because your husband forgot what was planted where!
Also, speaking about husbands, I have learned NOT to let him in the garden with weed killer anymore! I can't tell you how much ground cover I have had to replace because he came too close or just plain didn't recognize a flower or plant! Someone needs to be in charge because plants can be lost very quickly. I try to add a little something each year at the beginning so things will come together and less mulch will be needed. However, always remember that many of these plants, bushes, and flowers grow and expand so don't over-plant right away. Give it time. Also when mulching, I found it easier to maintain to use Preen®. Get rid of the weeds the best you can, lay down newspaper and then put mulch on top. Not only is this a great way to organically recycle, but the paper does keep future weeds from coming up. Yes, I know this needs to be done every year because the paper does disintegrate but I hate using plastic. I think there is more love involved with natural things. If your garden is under trees like ours, then also keep the trees trimmed or they can smother the sunlight if you need that for your some of your sun-loving flowers.
AWMag: Has Joby's Garden affected more than just your immediate family?
Brenda: Oh, yes. Especially after the first five years or so, I would come home and find little stones or memory things on top of one of Joby's big grave stones (there are 3). I am sure they were left from his friends during this time as we told them they could come out any time and visit Joby. Also, now I even have other mothers who have lost a child, come out to the garden just to see what we have. Sometimes they want me out there , and sometimes they just need that moment to themselves. So, I am open to that. Some of my friends still give me something for the garden on Joby's birthdate, and they will ask if there is something in particular I need. But right now, the garden is full and it is there for everyone to feel a special connection with.
AWMag: Do you feel gardening is for any age group?
Brenda: Gardening is universal and for any age. In fact, when I go to schools and talk about my books, the memory garden is discussed. I have even had some schools plant their own butterfly gardens. One school in particular invited me back just so I could see what they had planted. It was awesome! And these were 5th and 6 graders. As for vegetable gardens, kids get a kick to see actual food that we eat come from their own garden. I believe they take great pride in that. And also when these children have lost a pet or a loved one, they tell me how they planted a flower or bush or something in memory of them and that it makes them feel better every time they see it! Now that is true testimonial of the lasting effect of a garden. The garden can be small or large - or even in a tray in apartments. It's the beauty and the meaning that is behind the garden, not the size of it that makes it memorable. We have a small bench, created out of stones and rocks from our farm, that sits right in front of Joby's main rock. Anyone can sit there and just feel his presence. I've even added stepping stones throughout to different areas so someone could visit more. But, this kid told me that he couldn't make a bench so he just sits on a stump that he rolled to where he buried his dog with flowers around and he likes to sit there and talk to him. How cute is that? So, yes, for any age group....young and old.
AWMag: What do you feel was your biggest obstacle in creating Joby's Garden?
Brenda: My first biggest challenge was to know when to quit. I mean, I needed to make a conscious decision that I couldn't make it any bigger. Maybe later, I might add a waterscape that I have always wanted. But right now, it is about all I can do to maintain that garden and my other flower gardens and vegetable garden. Joby's garden, though, always comes first. My second biggest obstacle was to be able to go through a spring and summer without getting the bloody itch! I am now so allergic to poison ivy that it has become systemic. So, all I have to do is walk by or breathe it in. Heck, I still get it! But, then I laugh and say Joby is just reminding me that at times he could be a little stinker! And, I guess, one last thing is that I didn't want to make it so big and austentacious that his brother and sister would feel left out or bothered by it. I had to think of them as well. Because, sometimes when they were younger and we would be mowing around the garden, it hits you. Missing Joby becomes almost too intense but I believe enough years have gone by that his garden has now become more of the beauty of this place, and not a shrine. I didn't want a shrine for my son because I try and love all my kids equally. You can't put the one on a pedestal because he has been taken from us.
AWMag: Do you have any comments or suggestions to our Army wives and families who are grieving the loss of their Soldier or loved one?
Brenda: A memory garden for your loved one is a natural, renewable tribute to this person. What better way to love them, to remember them, than by the beauty within nature. Life is not always kind; but it doesn't mean that we must live our lives in gloom. Bad things do happen to good people and I believe a garden is where the good can grow. A rock that I have out in Joby's garden says it all: "A garden is where a soul feels at home.” We will all join are loved ones within this earth at some point and by honoring their life and memory in such a way is everlasting and good for the soul.
However, I also want to say that a memory garden can also be for the living. Especially when separation is a part of your lives, having a garden is an on-going memory of each other. Each year you could add something new...where the army wife or husband might be able to bring back a little something to add to it so that the garden becomes more personal and a garden for everyone. Also, humor is often times a helper of grief and one for gardens. Gardens can be a great place to gather to just talk, to picnic and to share. A garden is an outdoor room of love.
Brenda Greene is an example to us all how a woman and her appreciation for gardening can do wonders for the heart. Not only for herself, but those whom she loves and those she has yet to meet. You can find her books: Dog Gone: Boomer’s Story© and From My Son’s Garden: A Personal Story of Growth and Healing After the Loss of a Child© on Amazon.com, Barnes & Noble.com, and Borders.com
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LIVING: Gardening
Gardening:
A Garden Is Where The Soul Feels At Home
by Liz McChesney posted June 2010
We come across people in our lives that are just an awe of wonder. Those people who teach us with their every breath. Who speak poetically without an effort. They help us learn about life and how to survive moments unexpected. They do all of this without even knowing the magnificent affect they have on us. Brenda H. Greene is one of those people. I had the pleasure of doing some Q & A with the author of From My Son’s Garden: A Personal Story of Growth and Healing After the Loss of a Child ©. The book expresses the heartbreak and struggle of her family after the loss of their teenage son, Joby, and their journey to healing. In reading Brenda’s feedback, you will learn how a Memory Garden can help heal your heart and help you get through the day to day grief of loss. I was touched by Brenda’s words when quoted, “A way of honoring a soldier through a garden would certainly be symbolic, since he or she sacrifices his or her life for our land as well as our people...and honoring them back into the land is quite poetic. It is a wonderful place to express one's love because it is continual.”
coming...
Liz McChesney
Dep. Exec. Editor
Gardening/Mom's Corner
Brenda Greene
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Archives: Living-Gardening
