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Just because you are in a military marriage does not make you immune to such situations. In my opinion, I could see where military marriages could be more prone to financial infidelity than those that are not part of the military community. Let me share a couple of the reasons why I believe this:
1)When the service member deploys, a wife could easily begin her shopping spree and attempt to clean up all the financial damage prior to his return by getting a job and paying off the bills.
When the service member deploys, a wife could easily begin her shopping spree and attempt to clean up all the financial damage prior to his return by getting a job and paying off the bills. 2)If the service member is the money manager and says he is managing the money, once he is sent temporary duty for six months or more, then the spouse at home will truly find out what has been happening with the money. I have seen newlywed wives get surprised by collection agency calls and threats of eviction because bills have not been paid.
If the service member is the money manager and says he is managing the money, once he is sent temporary duty for six months or more, then the spouse at home will truly find out what has been happening with the money. I have seen newlywed wives get surprised by collection agency calls and threats of eviction because bills have not been paid. 3)Being an ex-military member, I know first-hand how merchants in local malls will extend credit to military members and set up automatic deductions to pay it off. This can be done very secretively without the spouse being any wiser.
Being an ex-military member, I know first-hand how merchants in local malls will extend credit to military members and set up automatic deductions to pay it off. This can be done very secretively without the spouse being any wiser. 4)Do not forget about the temptation to purchase things online; whether it is through E-bay, Amazon.com or some other online company, where you have an account set up that your spouse may not even know about.
Do not forget about the temptation to purchase things online; whether it is through E-bay, Amazon.com or some other online company, where you have an account set up that your spouse may not even know about. Financial infidelity is exactly what it is-secretly spending without the spouse’s knowledge or even lying about the amount spent on a purchase. A spouse does not tell the other spouse in order to avoid arguments and disagreements, knowing that the spending was wrong in the first place and their marital relationship will be affected. The spouse that commits the financial infidelity might not know to what extent the relationship will be affected; however, they know the other spouse is not going to be happy.
Steps that can be taken within a military marriage to remove financial infidelity and foster a healthy marriage and finances:
1)Set aside a specific time each week to discuss finances and nothing else. My husband and I usually talk about the finances at least once a week after dinner while have a bowl of ice cream in order to make him aware of what is happening with the money – the amount of income, what bills are being paid for the first of the month, if there are any quarterly automatic deductions that come out of the account pending and if there are different educational tools that need to be purchased for our twins.
Set aside a specific time each week to discuss finances and nothing else. My husband and I usually talk about the finances at least once a week after dinner while have a bowl of ice cream in order to make him aware of what is happening with the money – the amount of income, what bills are being paid for the first of the month, if there are any quarterly automatic deductions that come out of the account pending and if there are different educational tools that need to be purchased for our twins.2)Discuss mutual financial goals that you would like to see for the benefit of the marriage and family. When we come to our financial talks we ALWAYS have some short-term and long-term goals in mind. A short-term goal regarding finances could be establishing an emergency fund of $1,000 and how long will it take to accomplish that. A long-term goal could be to save $5,000 for the year of 2010 and it will be accomplished by each spouse contributing roughly $417.00 per month.
Discuss mutual financial goals that you would like to see for the benefit of the marriage and family. When we come to our financial talks we ALWAYS have some short-term and long-term goals in mind. A short-term goal regarding finances could be establishing an emergency fund of $1,000 and how long will it take to accomplish that. A long-term goal could be to save $5,000 for the year of 2010 and it will be accomplished by each spouse contributing roughly $417.00 per month. 3)Be responsible and accountable, especially when it comes to finances. Admit to your spouse what you have done in secret, knowing that he or she may be angry about your secret spending. He or she may feel as if you have broken your trust and begin looking out for oneself because you were not thinking of the big picture. For example, you could go to them and say, “We need to talk about our finances. I have spent some money and I know you will not be happy; however, I want to tell you instead of keeping this secret from you and having to lie about it.”
Be responsible and accountable, especially when it comes to finances. Admit to your spouse what you have done in secret, knowing that he or she may be angry about your secret spending. He or she may feel as if you have broken your trust and begin looking out for oneself because you were not thinking of the big picture. For example, you could go to them and say, “We need to talk about our finances. I have spent some money and I know you will not be happy; however, I want to tell you instead of keeping this secret from you and having to lie about it.” Question: Has someone ever told you something, you knew it was a lie and then they continued to lie in order to cover up the truth. Are you still friends with that person? Enough said. When financial secrets come into the light later instead of upfront, it could result in great marital damage, even divorce.
Let’s face facts, financial infidelity can be viewed as a form of cheating and destroy a relationship once it happens. Can you recover from it, sure but it will take both husband and wife working together and not against each other from a place of pain, disappointment and broken trust. Recovering and a chance to start over gives the individual that committed the act of financial infidelity an opportunity to rebuild trust as well as change his or her mindset when it comes to making purchases. Establish a plan to move forward today.
Dr. Taffy is a Certified Educator in Personal Finances. She holds a Doctorate of Ministry in Biblical Counseling, Master’s degree in Human Resource Management, Bachelor’s degree in Business Admin/Management, Associates in Paralegal Studies and an Associates in Administration. She currently resides in Colorado with her husband, Eric and their twins, Erica and Cody.
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Dr. Taffy Wagner
Contributor
Money and Marriage Exposed
Is Financial Infidelity Tearing Your Marriage Apart?
by Taffy Wagner, posted May 2010
Archives: Money in Marriage
According to a survey that Lawyers.com and Redbook magazine commissioned from Harris Interactive in 2005, 1,796 adults, ages 25 to 55 (married, engaged or living together), were interviewed concluding with the following results:
- Almost one in three (29%) admitted lying to their partner about finances whether it was personal spending or spending on the kids.
- One in four (25%) said a partner has withheld financial information – again usually about personal spending and spending on children.
